the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.