It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
What the hell happened in there??
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?