SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Me trying to “trust the process”
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it