If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
A French press is when you hug naked
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet