[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]