I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Just got to our Airbnb!
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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