There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
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My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
plant them where lol
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?