Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
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If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
.. do you even science?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’