Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
12653.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets