The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
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Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.