son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
the noise i just made
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.