I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.