[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
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Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
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This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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It took him a moment.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
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2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.