[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
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Is there a class for just the karate noises?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
favorite tropes as memes
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
? 💀
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure