I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Cndnsd Mlk
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon