[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
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Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
My dad teaching me to drive
I’m sure it’s fine.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.