Going back in time, y’all need anything?
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I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Children of the corn 🌽
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19