You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’