Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
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why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Namaste
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My boss called in sick of me
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?