Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
You Might Also Like
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.