It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off