There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt