I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
dutch so unserious
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Saturday
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero