I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.