I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Oh hi lol
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole