“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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I’ve named my couch American Idle.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
You sure about that?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.