reviewed some movies recently
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[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
💯😂
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.