what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers