Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
You Might Also Like
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.