[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.