Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup