My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.