shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Do not go gentle into that good night,
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.