Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
You Might Also Like
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Happy Caturday!
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”