I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
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If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
People buying plungers never look happy.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.