10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.