A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
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We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
new year update: losing everything but weight
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.