These are my roll models.
You Might Also Like
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
fr
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?