Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
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Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
*gets down on one knee*
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.