You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.