I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.