Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
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Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%