satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.