Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
You Might Also Like
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me too
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Animal poetry
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…