friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
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[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m listening
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce