My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
How funny!
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.