Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.