You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
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Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
me when the borders lift
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?