parents: you are what you eat
kids:
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Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
my favorite genre of twitter
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.