We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
is this how new cars are made??
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks